Dangerous Toys

Hey man, I think I like being scared
An' I wish you all were there
Man I really, really think, really think that I think
I like being scared

Dangerous Toys - "Scared" - 1989

Ahhh, ya can't beat bad 80's glam rock for knowing how to express a deep sentiment.

So I'm back at my old base in Karbala...I had to come down here from Baghdad (straight after R&R) to take care of a legal project that needed attention. When I was here I applied for a grant under special Congressional funds called "The Ambassador's Funds for Counterterrorism". I proposed two projects and both were selected (along with four others throughout the world) for funding. The one I am down here working on now is a media campaign to help combat radical ideologies and terrorism. Basically I proposed to use a local NGO to do reports (radio, TV and newspaper) focusing on the good work of the Iraqi police here in Karbala in combatting terrorism and messages discouraging radicalism. The public does not place much confidence in the Iraqi Police - the public pretty much views them as a bunch of thugs for hire (unlike the Iraqi Army who are well trained and professional) - so my idea was to focus on the good things the Iraqi Police are doing to build confidence in them and to give some attention to the things they are doing right. Anyways, I came down here to help finalize a budget and get documents signed - and the program probably won't materialize exactly as I envisioned it - it will probably be more that this local NGO is doing short TV and radio spots on the effects of violence as a means of prevention - I got the money and told my local contact at the NGO that it was up to her to decide the best way to achieve our goal (anti-terrorism) and that is what she came up with so she's the boss. But I digress...that has nothing to do with the title of this posting.

I arrived in Karbala on Tuesday. I was chatting with one of the team members here about the general security situation in Karbala and he told me that three weeks ago he was in an MRAP (mine resisitant ambush protected vehicle) that was hit with an EFP (explosively formed projectile). EFPs are particularly deadly - they melt metal and cause incredible destruction. Luckily this one only hit the gas tank and caught the vehicle on fire - caused a lot of noise and panic but no one was injured. If it would have hit a humvee (as the bomber was no doubt trying to do) the results would have been devastating. After the detonation the military found the cord leading up to the point of explosion and the remote that was used to detonate it and remember seeing a man standing at that spot as they passed. As I talked further with my colleague, it turned out he was out on a Rule of Law mission. I have not been replaced since I left Karbala and others have been forced to pick up my work. I started a project to help automate the land registration office here so that land titles would be easier to access and harder to forge. He was on his way to the land registation office. If I were still at this base it would have been me.

Then I was reading the weekly Situation Report from my current base (Najaf) yesterday and read that a convoy was hit with an IED...no injuries luckily.

Additionally, yesterday Baghdad was on lockdown...we heard all kinds of rumors from assassination attempts to a coux but closer to the truth is that a dozen or so suspicious looking trucks disappreared off the radar in Baghdad and they were suspected VBIDS (vehicle born improvised explosive devices).


Reflecting on all of these incidents brought me to a new conclusion - in a recent post I stated that I could count on one hand the times I have been scared here in Iraq. That is, in part, true. I can count on one hand the number of specific incidents that have scared me...the time I was at a meeting at the Chamber of Commerce and shots were fired at my security, the ride the other night down what we thought was a dangerous rode at night....I haven't had many specific adrenalie pumping moments. But I can't say I'm not scared.

Thinking about all of this made me realize I am scared....but it is a very low-lying, ever present base fear. It is the drone of the space heater in the room that is part of the background noise - almost imperceptable unless you stop to take note. If I stop and reflect I notice the manifestations of stress...fear...anxiety....the inability to fall asleep...the social withdrawal at times...the mood swings...but it all seems like part of normal life now. I suppose I have lost perspective a bit and have gotten comfortable in my suroundings...human beings are highly adaptable creatures!...but upon reflection that may be a dangerous way to live life here - it's probably important not to get too lax, too comfortable or too complacement - I do live in a war zone and if I take a step back and look there are signs of that all around me.